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FIC: It Only Gets Worse (PG-13)



Title: It Only Gets Worse
Category: Three
Author: reynardo
Beta Reader(s): lederhosen
Rating: PG-13
(Highlight to View) Warning(s): Some strong language.
Note: Canon compliant — up to a point. Some allowance given for Lucius in a hotel room...
Summary: Every year, a report is given to the Governors of Hogwarts to review the year that has been. Every year Severus Snape updates his diary. Snippets of both are included, as well as other relevant extracts.



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1981-82.

Potions — Severus Snape (Under probation)


Severus had an excellent record at Hogwarts as a student, and comes to us highly recommended by Horace Slughorn as a suitable replacement once Horace retires. Thus, Severus has spent this year under the guidance of Horace, learning the curriculum, the art of teaching and the various administrative necessities of the position. His work has been commended, and while his discipline does err on the side of strict, the general results have been exemplary. OWLS and NEWTS in Potions have increased, and the examining staff this year particularly mentioned the care with which students prepared the assigned recipes. It is recommended that his probation be ended and he be confirmed in the position of Potions Teacher and Head of Slythern House at the beginning of the new School Year.


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1982.

… and the worst year in my life. Oh sweet Merlin do I really have to stay here and teach these total dunderheads. Some of them were here when I left — that idiot Larry Dingle couldn't make a simple Sleeping Draught if I held his hands while he chopped! He's determined to be a singer — wants to change his name to Lorcan. I told him he'll be the death of my ears, and for some reason he clapped me on the arm and thanked me! I'd rather teach flobberworms. And Horace made me look after the First Years — I think I'd rather be a leech-herder. Bloody Scabior took a week to stop crying for his mother — after the third-years saw him he won't be so weak again. He can't afford to be. None of us can.

I still can't believe she's gone.


* * * * * * * *



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1982-83.

Potions — Severus Snape


Results continue to improve under Severus's strict yet effective teaching methods. Despite him now holding the record for the highest average number of house-points lost each month, the students come out of his classes fully trained and qualified for Potions-based positions throughout the wizarding world. Hogwarts is lucky to have a teacher of his calibre.

His disciplinary methods could do with some work. There have been complaints of bias towards Slytherin and against Gryffindor, although this didn't stop Gryffindor pipping Ravenclaw to the House Cup this year. With a little moderation and attention to fairness in the deduction of House Points, Severus will become a very well-rounded teacher.


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1983

Spent her deathday drunk. Spent her birthday drunk. I could get used to that.

Got a Weasley in the first years. Doesn't like "William" so I'll use it all the time. He hates me. Obviously his parents told him about me. Looks like something else I'll have to get used to. How many brothers? Oh god.

Worst moment of the year? Apart from her anniversaries? Looking into Lucius's eyes when he asked me for a fertility potion and having to tell him there is no such thing — not one that's safe, anyway. Besides, he's got Draco.

Best moment? Catching Myron and Kirley trying to steal records in the Hogsmeade store. My cauldrons have never looked cleaner.


* * * * * * * *



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1983-84.

Potions — Severus Snape


Severus continues to improve the quality of the Potions teaching in the school. When word came that one of his first graduates, Dierdre Poath, had been accepted as a teacher at Beauxbatons over any of their own former alumni, it was accepted as proof of Severus's exemplary teaching methods and application to the strictest standards.

His work as Head of Slytherin has also been satisfactory, with the exception of his unexplained absence on 30 January 1984. He has been advised that any absences not due to illness must be cleared beforehand with the Headmaster. However, as this is the first time anything like this has happened, no further action has been taken.

School Functions

Once more the annual Valentines Day excursion to Hogsmeade was a rousing success. The celebration of Cupid helps take the students' minds of the long winter, and it is recommended that staff participate and think up ways to enhance the celebration next year.


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1984

Fucking House Elves fucking waking me up when I was perfectly happily drunk. It's my January and I'll fucking well spend it drunk if I want to. Next time I'll just go and teach, and we'll see what happens.

Horrible year. They all are. I think only Gerald Peterson escaped detention this year — smarmy git sucking up to me like I was Horace. Although good at his work. In October Gwenog Jones called me a bat to my face. I knew they'd been calling me something. But the more they do it, the cleaner my cauldrons become. I can cope with that. Next time I'll make sure someone gets detention after a really bad session with bubotubers.

I could swear Rosmerta made a pass at me on Valentine's Day. Stupid woman. Just because I pull Hogsmeade duty on that day doesn't mean I'll be doing anything about it. And not with her. Not before a few more Firewhiskies than that.

Worst moment: Watching that git of a William Weasley stop our seeker Dunbar just before he caught the snitch. Cost us the Cup, dammit. Second worst — seeing Rufus Scrimgeour getting the DADA position for the year as a secondment from Auror duties. That position should be MINE!.

Best moment: Seeing Rufus carried off to St Mungo's with a nasty case of spattergroit he caught from one of the creatures he Summoned to a seventh-year class. He won't be back here in a hurry.


* * * * * * * *



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1984-85.

Potions — Severus Snape


… and despite the nasty accident caused by Alasdair Maddock attempting to mix a bottle of "New Coke" with his Wit Sharpening Potion, Severus still managed produce yet another crop of well-educated young students. Those leaving this year have had the benefit of four years of Severus's tuition, and it shows in the high number of NEWTS awarded in Potions.

Muggle Potions and compounds have been banned henceforth.

Severus continues to garner accusations of discrimination against students from the other Houses. However, as Hufflepuff managed to take the House Cup after a surprising win in the Quidditch tournament, it is difficult to determine the veracity of the reports.


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1985

And now thanks to that nitwit and his "brilliant" idea, I'll have to smuggle my own supplies of Irn Bru in. "New Coke" indeed. No wonder it failed. The only thing that stuff was good for was cleaning cauldrons.

Another crop of idiot first years — including another Weasley. Who once more regards me as if I was the Dark Lord incarnate. So long as they don't try anything...

Am glad I skipped Christmas in London last year. One more chorus of "Do They Know It's Christmas" and I would have hexed the entirety of Picadilly Circus. At least staying in Hogwarts kept me away from "We Are the World". For such small things we are grateful.

Worst moment: Peeves slipping hair remover into my shampoo and I didn't notice until the next day. Thank goodness for illusions.

Best moment: Peeves. In a bottle. On my shelf. For a week.

Second worst moment: Albus making me release the pipsqueak.


* * * * * * * *



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1985-86.

Potions — Severus Snape


… and with three of his Muggle-born graduates being taken up by the respected Potions company "Ogilvy and Oglafs". This school could have no better recommendation than this result.

His disciplinary methods and supervision of students seems to have undergone an improvement too, as evinced in the victory of the Slytherin team in the Quidditch Cup. Further, there have been less complaints from the other houses about unfair treatment, which is taken to mean that Severus has found a suitably happy medium.


The Daily Prophet - excerpt from Muggle Matters, a regular column

… and when England won their version of the Quidditch World Cup, the cheering in the streets was audible even in the Leaky Cauldron. Several well-known wizards were seen sneaking through the Cauldron's Floo in the early hours afterwards, but it is not the practice of this column to give out names.

Reports are starting to come through of a new Muggle disease, "HELPS". The general thought in the Ministry is that it is spread by sexual contact with Muggles, and those elements in the Wizarding Community who believe in maintaining blood purity are having a field day. More information as we find it.


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1986

Hah. That'll show those Weasleys. Two of them on the Gryffindor team aren't nearly enough to beat Slytherin. And now that that harpy Jones is leaving, it'll be green all the way to the House Cup.

Had an odd request, though. William Wigworthy, who was sixth year in my first, wanting to know if I'd had anything to do with "AIDS" and did I know of a cure? Never heard of it before, but I'll keep an eye out — sounds like the Muggles are having some bother with it. Considering their preferences, I must remember to have a quiet word to a few friends.

Don't know what that twerp Scabior's going to do with himself now he's left. The dunderhead has a great career as a street thug.

Best moment: Sneaking out to a Muggle pub in London to watch Liverpool win the FA Cup. About time, lads.

Worst moment: Waking up in the girls' bathroom on the second floor with Myrtle laughing at me after coming back from the pub. And forgetting to have a hangover cure ready.


* * * * * * * *



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1986-87.

Potions — Severus Snape


… that despite the chaos the accident caused, the Potions classroom had been restored by the end of the week, and classes were barely disrupted. As no students were injured and the explosion has been determined as the results of a student not following instructions, no disciplinary action has taken place. Professor Snape has adjusted the school curriculum (in consultation with the Board) so that the brewing of Doxycide is no longer taught before fifth year.

However, the School still managed excellent results in Potions in both NEWTs and OWLs, with several students going on to careers in alchemy and magical elixirs.

Professor Snape's disciplinary style, whilst strict, seems to be what's needed to keep students under control in that classroom. Certainly, with all those dangerous ingredients around, it is necessary to have someone keeping the students strictly in check.


Article in the Daily Prophet, September 1987.

Gordon Drummond and Sarah Buttle, students who finished their NEWTS this year with high marks in Potions, have started a company called "Lavish" to sell beauty products to the Muggle market by mail. The Ministry will be keeping a close eye on their venture to ensure that no actual magic is sold to the Muggles, but there is no reason why this should not turn out to be an excellent collaboration between the two societies. Both Mr Drummond and Miss Buttle attribute the success of their products to the rigorous training in Potions they received at Hogwarts, and the willingness of the students to be "guinea pigs" in testing the products.


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1987

And of course that House Cup looks rather pretty draped in green. I could get used to that.

Of all the dunderheads and dolts I've had to deal with, Shunpike is the worst I have ever had to teach. I swear he left something in the cauldron before the third-years came in for their lesson. Thank Merlin the worst casualties were Weasley Secundus's eyebrows and that foolish girl Tonks' hair. From the way the Weasley brat went on about it, you'd think he had his eyebrows burned off every week. Narcissa was concerned about her niece, but the hair grew out fast enough, although the girl insists on keeping it short. Probably a good idea. She's clumsier than Maddock ever was.

That Flint boy, though — Shunpike knocked a flask off the bench and Flint caught it before it hit the floor. I think I'll try him out for the Quidditch team next year.

Best moment: catching Tonks and younger Weasley in the girls' bathroom. (Thanks to Myrtle for the tipoff). Gloves. Vaseline. What were they thinking?

Second best moment: the look on Weasley Secundus's face when I told him that mixing the permanency potion into the hair dye Tonks was using on him had backfired, and that he was stuck with purple hair for a month. And watching Tonks rub her hand across her face, forgetting she had on a glove covered in hair dye. Shame she could change her own complexion to match the purple eyebrows.

Worst moment: Finding an old photograph of Lily and thinking for a moment that she might come back.


* * * * * * * *



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1987-88.

Potions — Severus Snape


… and another set of well-trained students headed out with excellent Potions results. The NEWTS students this year have been exclusively trained by Professor Snape, and the results prove this.

Slytherin have taken the Quidditch Cup for the third year running, showing that in addition to his Potions abilities, Professor Snape also has an excellent eye for putting a team together. His diligence in this area shows itself with the quality of the players being snapped up by professional teams once they leave the school. Whilst not a player himself, Professor Snape obviously has quite a knack in selecting a team Captain who knows his game.

Finally, Professor Snape is to be commended for his diligence in the investigation of the strange happenings of January 30, when several students were mysteriously turned into cats while they were holding a Musical Society meeting in the dungeons. Thruston, Crumb, Wintringham, Barbary, Tremlett, McCormack-Duke and Wagtail were restored to their normal forms within a week, and had no memory of the event. No further incidents were recorded, but although Professor Snape was unable to find out who was responsible, his joking suggestions of disbanding the Musical Society or relocating it to the Shrieking Shack were an excellent antidote to the seriousness of the situation.


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1988

Oh sweet Merlin why am I given such a half-measure of competence. If they have a brain in their heads, they have the dexterity of an inebriated slug. If they can catch and fly, their brains rival a bowl of cold porridge. It's going to take so much work just to get Flint through the next few years — all for a few green ribbons on the Cup.

I'll do it.

I can't believe how different Weasley Tertius is — won't be catching him losing House points in a hurry. Although his scratty little rat just accentuates the rest of his ensemble — worn robes, second-hand cloaks. Hate that so much from my own days hated being not dressed properly and being picked on for it why isn't he the little git is he doing it just to remind me??? Destined for a career as a second-class civil servant, no doubt.

Albus has taken to encouraging the musical curriculum — in my dungeons. Why? WHY? A wizard can't get a quiet evening to himself getting drunk on her birthday like I wanted to with that caterwauling and banshee-screaming down in the dungeons. I don't know what Barbary thinks he and his friends will be doing when they leave school. They'll certainly never be invited back. Alas that my little effort to render them less nauseating backfired badly — luckily the Board never found out about my attempt. Although they — the Board - didn't seem to take my suggestions about moving the delinquents into the Shrieking Shack at all seriously. Why is it that people think that the dungeons is the best place to do anything horrid, noisy or smelly? I suspect Wagtail is the ringleader — once he goes, they'll stop. Please.

Best moment: The look on that smug bastard Heathcote's face when I turned him into a scruffy ginger. No — best moment was when he realised he was a neutered tom.

Worst moment: Being only halfway through the Firewhiskey bottle when I cast the spell. If I had managed to drink all of it before they started playing they would have been newts. And I needed newts for the next week's lessons.


* * * * * * * *



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1988-89

Potions — Severus Snape


Hogwarts received an excellent boost in reputation by the appointment of one of Professor Snape's former students, Gerard Peterson, to the position of Potions Master at Durmstrang. Reports from our colleagues at Durmstrang have been excellent.

In addition, five graduates of Hogwarts were accepted as trainee Aurors thanks in part to their brilliant Potions NEWTS. While Professor Snape's refusal to take NEWTs students who have not achieved an Outstanding level in their OWLs has been criticised by many, it has given him the time to concentrate on those students he does have to ensure they have the highest possible results.

Professor Snape has also led Slytherin once more to the Quidditch Cup, with a brilliant win against Hufflepuff. The morale of Slytherin House is at the highest it's been since Lord Voldemort's demise in many years.


The Daily Prophet - excerpt from Muggle Matters

The request from several of the Leaky Cauldron's patron to install a tullyvissin has been rejected on the basis that such Muggle appliances have no place in a proper wizarding pub. Also, the logistics are impossible - electrickery would have to be installed as well, and we all know how dangerous that is. Tom at the Cauldron has made the right decision, and those wizards who want to watch Muggle events can do it outside.


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1989

That Wood is going to be a pain later on, I can tell.

Spent half the year fending off advances from Sally Wintringham. Idiot. She seemed to think that by sucking up to me, I'd give her special marks on her OWLs. Giving her brother extra detentions helped heaps — no more scented boxes of chocolates outside my door. That's the first student crush I've had to deal with. Shame. The chocolates were nice. She still passed her Potions — got an E. Didn't think she had it in her.

Go fucking LIVERPOOL!

Best moment: Sneaking out on Eurovision night to watch it at a hotel room Lucius booked. Who'd have thought a bunch of blokes could enjoy a night like that?

Worst moment: Some bint winning Eurovision for Switzerland. Screeched like a harpy she did. She should have been thrown off a boat or something when she was born. We had a real chance, we did, it was a bloody good song, and that bitch isn't even Swiss. Ruined the whole night for me. Although I probably shouldn't have spilled my wine on the couch. Or sprinkled glitter on Lucius. I really shouldn't drink his bloody wine either. Narcissa thinks it was some idiot Ministry meeting.


* * * * * * * *



Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1989-90

Potions — Severus Snape


… and he has been offered a contract by "Dust and Mildew" publishers to write an updated textbook for the Potions classroom. This reflects very well on Hogwarts as a whole, and on the quality and breadth of Professor Snape's teaching. This should also cheer him up, as his attitude has been exceptionally taciturn this year.

General School Report

… and the snap inspections of the classrooms brought up no nasty surprises. The Potions classroom in particular was spotless, without even any Muggle chewing gum on the bottom of the desks …


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1990

I can't win. I get rid of one Weasley, I get TWO in return. And those two idiots caused more damage in my lab with one of their stupid gags than Shunpike did in a week. Cleaning cauldrons was too good for them — I had great joy in setting them to scrubbing the underside of every desk in the dungeons without turning them over.

Although from the talk of them, Slytherin might be in danger of losing the Cup next year. Dammit.

And what is it with Hufflepuff and their boys. They might not be the brightest, but why is every girl in first AND second year after Diggory, for Frith's sake? It's not like he's anything special or sparkly. Although ten points from every girl going cow-eyed over him and stuffing up their Potions made having him around a little more bearable.

Best moment: Seeing Warrington prove that there's a use for sides of beef. Although I was wrong to think of him as Keeper. When he's chasing, nothing can stop him.

Worst moment: Narcissa coming to see me on a "private" matter. Thought it was to blow me up for the party last year. Instead … I couldn't accept. Lucius is my friend, and I don't have a lot of those. And how could I sleep with Narcissa when all I can think of still is Lily?

Besides, I turned her crazy sister down after she came up to me at a meeting and licked the palm of my hand. Creepy. But sleeping with Narcissa would be too much like sleeping with Bellatrix, and that I couldn't do.

Also, I know she doesn't love me. She doesn't even really want me. She just wants another child, and she thinks she has a better chance with me. Stupid, really. Any child we might have wouldn't look like a Malfoy — and how would that go down in our world?

Second worst moment: Looking over the brightest bunch of first-years I've seen in a long time in the other houses and seeing them ready and eager. If He-Who comes back any time soon, it'll be this lot I have to deal with.


* * * * * * * *



Report from the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, to the Ministry of Magic, for 1990-91

… and Rolf Scamander accepted a traineeship at the Berlington Herbology Institute. He named as his inspirations Professors Sprout and Snape. Professor Snape has thus helped the careers of more than fifty of the best students at Hogwarts, and it is said that there are at least four more students hoping to become Aurors whose success very much depends on the excellence of the teaching to be found at Hogwarts.

Furthermore, research by Professor Snape has resulted in a 50% improvement in the extraction of Glumbumble fluid, thus resulting in a saving for the school of over 40 Galleons a year.


Report to the Board of Governors, Hogwarts School of Magic, for 1990-91

Potions — Severus Snape


… and he has requested that the savings be applied to improving the conditions of the Slytherin Common Room, which has been in dire need of new furniture and carpets since the slow leak back in 1985. It is therefore recommended that the Board consider that Professor Snape, as Head of Slytherin, be permitted to allocate the savings as per his own discretion...


Excerpt from the diary of Severus Snape, August 1991

For fuck's sake, why do they think that just because the Slytherin common room is in the dungeons that it has to be cold and damp? That leak from the lake has been coming in for six years now, and I've harvested enough Zanger mushrooms from the back carpet to last me a lifetime. It had better be fixed by next term — Lucius would never forgive me if Draco had to live in this swamp.

Thank fucking goodness that despite one hell of a Quidditch line-up, those Gryffindors couldn't organise their way out of a paper bag. I'm glad I wasn't in their places when Minerva gave her end-of-term talking. I wonder if she was a player when she was young. Probably. Probably as dangerous as a dragon on heat. But if that's the best her bloody team can do, we're set for the next five years at least.

And good riddance to bloody Tonks and Weasley Secundus. Tonks an Auror? Impossible. She'll be snogging a werewolf next. Wonder what made him give up the Quiddich this year? Thank Merlin he did, though — if he'd been in charge instead of that wet wash rag of a fourth year, Wood … Maybe Weasley was just sick of losing? Or too interested in drawing dragons in his textbooks like he was in first year. Speaking of which, although I get rid of him, I've got another coming in next year, and I still have that wet weed of a Tertius, and those idiot twins. I should tell Peeves to consider the Weasleys his special duty. As if that little git would listen to me.

Spent Lily's deathday drunk again. Thought I was over it. Obviously not. Told Pomfrey I had the flu, but wanted to dose it with my own stuff. It worked. Sort of. Well, it was my own bottle of Firewhiskey.

Spent her birthday drunk again. Got through the two classes without being noticed, although Shunpike gave me an odd look. At least he's leaving at the end of the year. Won't have to put up with his idiocy any more.

I miss her.

And when term starts...

Oh fuck.
Tags: author: reynardo, category: three, type: fic
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